For as long as I can remember I have struggled with mental illness. I have been on and off medication for my manic depression and BPD since I was 15. I hit my lowest when I was 22. I was having panic attacks daily and intentionally harming myself in order to stop feeling the numbness that comes with these episodes.
One night, I couldn't take it anymore, My mind was racing and everything that had ever happened in my life came crashing down on me. I just wanted it all to stop.
So I took every pill I could find.
In my mind, I was stopping the pain. I was going to sleep and everything was going to end. I lost consciousness and the next few hours were a blur. I remember my brother finding me uncontrollably vomiting in the bathroom, Paramedics asking me questions and a ride with my mother in ambulance. I spent the next few days on a drip in a ward filled with cancer patients whose only dream was to beat the disease and I had intentionally put myself there. I had never felt as guilty as I did in those days. When I finally could stomach walking around, I did everything I could for those people. I became their runner, Whatever they needed I tried to get for them. I had nearly thrown away my life and these people just wanted to live.
I'd like to say everything got better after that. It didn't. But things did change. I started seeing a psychiatrist instead of a counselor. I was taught how to deal with my panic attacks. And I came to accept my illness. This was the most important development for me. I am not afraid to tell my closest family and friends when things are getting dark and I know when it's time to go to my doctor and get the help I need.
To Write Love On Her Arms is asking you, this week, to tell them why you can't be replaced. Because none of us can be. Fill it out. Get a friend to fill it out. While you are doing that, have a conversation and ask someone if they are OK.
Suicide is never the answer. If you need help, talk to someone. Each country has their own helplines. Here in Australia ring Lifeline on 13 11 14. Please always seek help. Hell.. send me an email if you need to. Always remember that YOU can't be replaced.
